Our friends over at the chiefs-only website Goat Locker have assembled several clever takes on the classic Christmas poem, “Twas the Night Before Christmas.”
All are clever. Some are funny.
Below is the best, but you can read all of them here.
Enjoy and Merry Christmas, wherever this Dec. 25 finds you.
Sailor’s Christmas
Twas the night before Christmas a calm night at sea
We nestled in our racks for a Holiday Routine
When from the ventilation there came such a clatter
We jumped from our bunks to see what's the matter
When from the vent fell this big dust covered dude
He was dressed up in red with a bad attitude
Yelling, "Those ducts are all filthy!" as he brushed off his clothes
"Don't just damn stand there, where's the DCPO?"
He arose form the deck, then he peered all around
Then from his mouth came a bellowing sound
"This berthing's a disgrace!" then he called us by name
"Now Boatswain, Now Corpsman, please explain!"
This was not the Santa I remembered from youth
He smelled of cheap whiskey, he was rough and uncouth
"Now, look here you bastards" he said as he strolled
"You'd best trice this place up, or you'll get nothing but coal!"
"You'll make this space pretty, military, and neat!"
Then he looked down at our boots that lay right near his feat
"Well, what do we have here?" He said with a frown
"Who the hell polished these? Recruit 'Buster brown'?!"
He walked around slowly, he missed not a mark
He even spotted dust bunnies, right there in the dark!
"You've got high dust and low dust, and that overhead it needs cleaning!"
We all stood dumbfounded as his words kept on streaming
"Which man here is senior!?" Then asked St Nick
"You'd better shit me and answer…and SHIT ME ONE QUICK!
The First Class stepped forward, his heart pounding hard
"Now look right here shitbirds, this asshole's in charge!"
"These racks will be tight! This damn deck it will shine!
I don't want to hear bitching! I need not hear you whine!"
So we gathered our foxtales, our buckets, and swabs
We all worked all in silence to finish the job.
It took almost an hour finish our space
He just sat drinking coffee and stuffing his face
Then on re-inspection he explained with a huff
"Now this is more like it! Now your not so screwed up!"
We all stood there smiling, awaiting our gifts
But Santa just snapped out "What's the matter dumb-shits!?"
"Get back to your racks! This will be my last warning!
Just like on shore, the gifts come in the morning!"
It seemed like eternity until reveille sounded
We threw back our curtains as all our hearts pounded
But what were our gifts? For what did we suffer?
A pallet of rags and a shiny new buffer!
Attached to our new buffer, we found a short note
We all gathered 'round to see what he wrote
"Next year at Christmas, best have all your shit wired!"
Signed:
Fair Winds
S.C. Clause
BMCM(Retired)
Geoff is the managing editor of Military Times, but he still loves writing stories. He covered Iraq and Afghanistan extensively and was a reporter at the Chicago Tribune. He welcomes any and all kinds of tips at geoffz@militarytimes.com.
