Baskets of motivation picked from Chesty Puller’s Tree of Eternal Oorah are once again getting the on-screen treatment, this time in the form of a high-stakes prison breakout featuring characters with names like Jaeger, Oyster, Snowball, and Milk.
Motivated whole milk!
“Semper Fi” is a new film about a crew of Marine reservists — already skeptical — who hatch a master plan of breaking their fellow devil pup out of prison after he (allegedly) kills a man in self defense during a bathroom brawl in which the victim’s head is slammed into a urinal, literally pissing his life away.
Henry Alex Rubin, whose documentary, “Murderball,” about a team of Paralympian rugby players in Athens, was well received by critics, is directing “Semper” in his feature film debut. It’s a bold strategy, Cotton. Let’s see if it pays off for 'em.
Sure, it could wind up surprising, but “Semper Fi” looks more poised to be the sort of film that elicits bitter beer face-level cringes from anyone who has spent five minutes in a uniform.
In any event, with Oyster (Nat Wolff) locked away — the Oyster shell jokes write themselves — the fellas decide the only way to help their friend is to get the band back together for a little reunion tour, only this one requires using their Marine reservist training for a prison break, just like the Marine Corps trains Marines to do, errah?
The blanket application of militarized training to any and all situations requiring a certain expertise has to stop.
In what universe are a few rounds of room clearing at Camp Pendleton precursory to assisting in El Chapo’s 117th prison escape?
Just wait for the sequel, “Semper Fi — Again," starring Tom Cruise as 19-year-old Pfc. Orange Juice.
After graduating from MCRD Parris Island with a Combat Action Ribbon and Silver Star, Orange Juice must put his training to use in order to protect Camp LeJeune from the eccentric path of a super hurricane, which winds up being an aerial storm of easily curable viruses originating from an Oregonian haven of anti-vaxxers.
As for Oyster’s quagmire, a prison sentence may actually be preferable to being rescued by Jaeger, Milk, and Snowball.
Such monikers bring to mind the cast of “Full Metal Jacket,” characters with names like Joker, Cowboy, and ... Private Snowball.
At one point in the “Semper Fi" trailer, one of the terribly named characters, who we are to believe possesses a borderline religious opposition to bolt cutters, uses a sniper rifle to blast a lock off of a fence from 3 feet away.
Yut!
A “STOP” sign makes a cameo in the scene, trying its best — to no avail ― to stop the film from happening.
In a deleted scene, the same character uses a Tomahawk missile to open his garage.
For optimism’s sake, let’s hope the movie itself, which hits theaters Oct. 4, is better than the trailer. Hopes are not high.
Watch it below.
J.D. Simkins is the executive editor of Military Times and Defense News, and a Marine Corps veteran of the Iraq War.
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